Sunday, 18 October 2009

Cumbernauld Pie

You'd think that living on this verdant island in the middle of the ocean, we'd spend our time dining off the freshest of fish and vegetables but, au contraire, we prefer Cumbernauld Pie.

Back in the 70s, some marketing genius (probably employed by Marks & Sparks) invented the Cumberland Pie. An extension of the successful Shepherd's Pie and Cottage Pie franchise, it's basically mince and potatoes except you mash the potatoes and put them on top of the mince and serve it in a pie dish.

Cumberland is a very picturesque district of north west England (it's where the Lake District is), replete with shepherds and, indeed, cottages so, all in all, it was the logical next step in pie branding.

Which is why in King-Duncan iconography, the Cumberland Pie is always referred to as the Cumbernauld Pie. Cumbernauld is a 60s "New Town" in Scotland, built full of hope for a new generation but which quickly degenerated into one of the most blighted places on the face of this planet. Carol worked there as a lawyer in the 90s when she defended people against sex crimes too unwholesome to mention and represented divorcing couples in which the upbringing of the children was a secondary consideration to custody of the Elvis Mirror (you think I'm joking?)

Anyway, how did I get on to this? Oh yes, pies. Carol was telling me that the secret of a good Cumbernauld Pie topping was to "fold some cheese in to the potato". Which I have to say set my teeth on edge in rather the same way as when sperm donation is mentioned at the dinner table.

"Folding in" is not unakin to "grilling off" - it's like the bit in Blackadder when he says "Don't say "tush", Percy - it's only a short step from "tush" to "hey nonny-nonny" and then I shall have to call the police."

To my mind "grilling off" is a short step from saying "through Friday" when the speaker means until Friday. That ghastly Americanism which implies passing through Friday to Saturday (or even Sunday or Monday for aught anyone knows) has even begun to appear on the BBC, the organisation which until quite recently was still holding the line on "disinterested".

I seem to have just inadvertently covered "Things that make me cross" #2 through #4 ...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear sir and madam,
I deeply resent your implications that Cumbernauld is some kind of hot bed of rape and molestation and that everyone living there were unfit parents who sported big sideburns and DA's.
I'm sick and tired of my hometown being run down and mocked at every given opportunity by pretentious idiots who simple dont have a clue and base their conclusions on excerpts from the Mail and stupid Channel 4 programmes.
This town is no better or worse than thousands of other towns and cities in the UK except of course for boasting the lowest number of pedestrian road deaths and one of the highest rates of home ownership and employment. The people of Cumbernauld are good, hard working and law abiding citizens who are simply fed up of the off the cup derision aimed at them unjustly by people who havnt the first clue about the town or even been to it! It is the people who make a town and not some old dated and outmoded concrete concept of a shopping mall.
Yours, a happy and proud second generation 'Nuadite with children of his own.