Monday 8 March 2010

Oops, we did it again

The Scottish soi disant Government has really done it this time.

I had been planning to write about the dark day for the constitution of the United Kingdom represented by the SsdG's launch of a consultation on a bill to hold a referendum on independence - yes, you did hear right - a consultation on a consultation - but this has been overtaken by a further outrage.

This time, the culprit is one of the few SsdG ministers not to be named after a fish, Stewart Stevenson.

Stewart is what we call in Scotland a pie-face. By which we mean that his mouth bears the same proportion to his face as the orifice in the lid of a Scotch Pie.


Actually, it's priceless on the SsdG's website: on the "images" page of the Ministers, they've obviously placed two photos of each, one looking serious and sepulchral and the other looking cheery and jaunty. Go and have a snigger for yourself here but the picture above was of Stewart with his face crinkled into his infectious smile. This is the one of him looking magisterial:-

Note in either case the continuing resemblance to a ...

Anyway, Stewart is the minister for - well, we're not entirely sure what for because, in his own words, he is:-

As you can tell from the comma after "Infrastructure", there's been a misprint and something amongst his responsibilities has been left out. Well I'm in a position to tell you what it is.

Global Domination.

Imagine how I spluttered my morning cuppa over my desk this morning when I logged on to the news section of the SsdG's website to read in an innocuous enough sounding piece about planting trees the following quote from Stewart:-

"Tackling climate change will require a huge international effort and this tree planting initiative will make an important contribution to reducing global emissions. ... Scotland is leading international action on climate change and ...

Now wait for this and make sure your mouth isn't full of tea ... ready? Here it is ...

... the rest of the world must follow our lead."

I'm not kidding! He did actually say that. You can read it here if you don't believe me.

Talk about the mouse that roared. They'll be quaking in their boots in the BRICs

You can picture Mr Singh, prime Minister of India, on a conference call to his cohorts: "Now look here chaps, we managed to pull the wool over little Obama's eyes and bugger up the Copenhagen Conference but the game's a bogey because the Minister for Transport, Infrastructure, Something Else and Climate Change of Scotland is on our case ..."

Meanwhile, Stewart has clambered aboard Adhar Feachd Aon:-

... and with a vomit stained Calmac ferry seconded to the People's Navy in close attendance, has puttered off to engage with a key stakeholder in the shape of Luis Inacio Lula da Silva, president of Brazil. Our pastry faced hero is confident that a little speech he has penned en route comparing the Amazon basin to the bonny (and shortly to be tree-clad) banks of Loch Lomond and extolling the virtues of the re-cyclable wheelie bins the roll-out of which in Cumnock is currently being consulted upon will be enough to halt the felling every milisecond of an area of tropical rain forest the size of North Uist.

Alas, Sr. Lula da Silva, having been informed by the British Embassy that nobody of the name of Stevenson is accredited to the Court of Saint James, declines to engage with Stewart who in consequence is left looking a bit of a - well, Scotch Pie - in the arrivals lounge at GaleĆ£o Airport.

Instead, Stewart writes His Excellency a letter:-

"Dear Luis

You don't mind if ah call ye Luis? We've came tae Brazil tae engage wi' yiz as a key stakeholder and ah'm sorry ye werenae available tae engage wi us because the de-foresting of the Amazon Basin is just pure raj and at odds with our developing vision of a socially inclusive fairer society I just cut and pasted that bit and we need tae have a consultative consultation to develop a shared vision in consultation with other key stakeholders including the North Bute Transport Users' Consultative Committee. And China. Only after we've engaged wi' them, mind. Anyways, ah wiz wantin' tae say yiz must follow our lead but Nicola thought that wiz too prescriptive and a partnership approach would be better. OK? Ah've enclosed some pictures of recyclable boxes you can put your newspapers out in - might come in useful in some of they favelas around Porto Alegre.

Yours aye

Stewart Stevenson
Minister for Transport, Infrastructure, Consultative Stakeholding and Climate Change."


A party turns up to impale a key holder on his own stake.

Personally, I'd rather Stewart Stevenson was locked in a room to suffocate on his own carbon emissions.


Marisa said...

"Grande Cromo", after all they are everywhere (meaning in every countries), it's spooky... it's an interesting punishemt the one you propose.

Sarah said...

N, Is that you in a shower cap posing behind those Amazonian gentlemen in the last photo?

Marisa said...

hello, got your postcard today, thank you so much, it's nice to get real mail in the era of email. As for the tea, i must confess that i apreciate the Lipton Gold Tea, made with flower petals and black tea from Sri Lanka. see you.