At Flores in the Azores: Japan: Scotland stands ready

The legendary late Scottish rugby commentator, Bill MacLaren, often used to allude to a scorer's club - either its town or the name of its home ground - in terms such as "They'll be cheering in the streets of Galashiels tonight!" or "They'll be pulling a few pints at Netherdale tonight!".

Well, in the true BMacL fashion, I can tell you there must have been a few sighs of relief being breathed in Fukushima this morning when they woke up to the news on the Scottish soi disant Government's website:-

Hyslop comments on earthquake in Japan - External Affairs Minister confirms Scotland stands ready to assist

You can picture the scene in the corridors of power in Tokyo, can't you: "Get on the phone to the Central Bank and get them to cancel that injection of 15 trillion yen to stabilise the markets, Scotland is standing ready to assist!! Aieeee!!!"

But the sighs and aieeees emanating from the Land of the Rising Sun were as naught compared with the expostulations and splutterings emanating from 5 Rua da Assomada this morning when I discovered that Scotland has an External Affairs Minister. And who is this Hyslop person in charge of this non-existent portfolio - is he or she perhaps also in charge of Scottish diamond production and the gorilla population of the Cairngorms ...?

Alex told me to give you this

Turns out it's none other than fat Fiona who, if memory serves, used to be the Minister for something slightly more relevant to Scotland (but I'm not interested enough to look up what it was) who was sacked for incompetences too numerous to mention. So presumably getting External Affairs is the Scottish equivalent of the Chiltern Hundreds.

It's worth having a look at the website to see what exactly it is the Scottish soi disant Government is pledging to Japan:-

* The Scottish Government is working closely with the UK Government to monitor the situation in Japan and the surrounding region (The government will be reassured by this.)

* The Scottish Government is sharing information with the FCO regarding individuals who may be missing or unaccounted for ("Aberdeen man drowned at sea")

* The Scottish Government is in contact with the Japanese Consul General's office in Scotland and have confirmed an offer to assist where we the Scottish Government can ("Get off the f*cking line, we've got more important things to deal with than you saddoes grandstanding on the world stage ...")

* Scottish Development International is in touch with Scottish businesses in Japan (Ditto)

* The Scottish Government stands ready to consider any requests for support

That last one could be interesting - "Ah, Salmon San (said in a Burt ("Tenko") Kwouk everyhere east of Mandalay accent.) you have 1.3 trillion Yen to stabilise Japan stock market?"

Salmon San : "Well (said in a fat Scottish git with delusions of grandeur accent) we do have an underspend of £4.63 on the Cumnock wheelie-bin initiative, if that would be of any use..."

To be a bit serious for a minute (must we? yes), I'd like to know how much a British local authority (which is what the Scottish soi disant Government is) has spent on maintaining a "Minister for External Affairs" and presumably a huge secretariat to support her in a role the authority has no legal jurisdiction over whatsoever.

It makes me cross. I feel another Freedom of Information enquiry coming on (said in "take one of your pills, dear" tone of voice). I've a notion it was Fiona Hyslop I had to write to find out how much they'd spent sending people to London to have meetings about repatriating the William Wallce archives.